Looking Back

Some where between 6th grade and 8th grade i went for girly girl to kinda goth, to poser goth, to punk, to normal mature (kinda mature) person. I've done quite a bit of growing up in such a small amount of time and I've gone through allot of hurt and change. Recently my family went through a cross country move. This was especially hard for me. It seemed that since 8th grade had started everything I'd ever wanted like the type of friend i hung out with, the way my grades were going everything seemed great. In the back of my mind i had a feeling that the bottom was gong to fall through because to my teenage mind it always does. I never noticed then how closed out from the world I really was until we made that move. It seemed normal to me that i didn't talk to my parents or that my mom was in our home office all day long working to help my dad. Or even that my dad was always gone on business trips or that the only time we really saw him was when he would wake us up for school every morning. It didn't at all seem strange that our house was full of screaming and fighting. To me it was completely normal that I acted like a mother to all of my siblings even my older brother. Looking back now at the way i acted i can see how the relationships I held with were strained how even now my older brother still resents me. I cant really blame him its must have been like living with Hitler's twin sister or something. I'm willing to admit that I'm super controlling that I have to always be right and that I put my needs above allot of things. But I really do love my family and i realize that it was my love for my family that kept me hanging on. It's hard to look back and say that I really was that green eyed monster always jealous and moody. It really pains me to think about all the people I've hurt. Still I've matured greatly through this move. I'm still trying to right my wrongs and I've realized not only do I have to be sincere but that sometimes just apologizing won't do anything its the effort that really fixes things. I remember when people would comment on what a little mother I was how mature and dependable I was, but the lady I've become and the women I'm becoming through God is so much more beautiful then any styling diva i thought i was before. The really dependable person I'm becoming and the honestly mature person I'm learning how to be make fell prouder about my self because I know I'm trying to be a better person